I do not know when I realized that I love him. Maybe that happened when I started to wait for him to come to the lecture every day. My problem is that I do not know why, when or even how I loved him.
His eyes are brown and there are more one thousand guys who have brown eyes like him; he is of a medium height, and most of the men are like that;
he is slightly brown, and most of our countrymen are like that, and he has black hair, and everything in him is average.
The problem is that I am the prettiest of the pretty girls at collage. I am free to say that since this is my private diary and I have the freedom to write anything I want in it.
But, I am pretty, and my mother does not remember that any one of all her relatives, even those who died long time ago, who has had such prettiness.
I am pretty to the degree that made my brother take me to and from school in order to prevent traffic accidents while I crossed the streets.
This is nothing compared with what happens to my mother when my father starts to flatter me before her for kidding. She becomes like a scorpion with him and me immediately.
I have started to wait for him every day and look at him when he came. I started to embarrass him with my looks when he entered the lecture because of my strong yearning to see him.
After one week, I could know that he might have been the shiest guy in the whole collage. Being so is a scandal for a guy, but, honestly, he is too shy with girls.
I knew his name because one of his friends was calling him “Jamal“. I used to bother him every day with my looks, and I wished every time to have him sitting beside me.
Maybe he thought that I was looking at him to see if there is something funny about him because he started to take care of wearing good clothes, shaving and combing his hair more than before.
That was foolishness and madness of him; I wish I could kill him because he was most confident of himself. I wanted him to look at me and to talk to me in any way.
I knew all the guys at the collage because all of them have come to me trying to talk to me, except him, and I used to be as proud like famous queens with them.
I used to read the newspaper everyday to know my luck as explained by the horoscope page. I am a Scorpio; they always advise you when you deal with this sign by saying: “Never approach a Scorpio“,
and that is true because I sting anyone who approaches me if he bothers me. Do not ask me about the zodiacs because I had read all the books about that subject.
Funny things are written about me, but they are true. For example, they say about me: ”she is a dangerous creature;
she does not respect anyone except those who are stronger than her; do not try to play with her emotions otherwise she would immediately sting you;
respect her, otherwise she would insult you; beware of making fun of her or making her angry.
She is so clever and she always uses her cleverness to hurt others and for evil deeds. She is too jealous even form her own mirror and to the degree of madness“.
All that is true about me, but these psychological diseases were not important for me because I just wanted to reach him, and to know his sign.
Maybe he was a Virgo because he acted like a virgin when she entered a house full of prostitution, or maybe he was an Aquarian man because he made himself closed like a bucket.
Maybe he was a Virgo because he acted like a virgin when she entered a house full of prostitution, or maybe he was an Aquarian man because he made himself closed like a bucket.
He also might be a Pisces guy because he dives swimming silently in the stagnant water of the depths of the sea.
It was impossible for him to be a Taurus guy because Taurus guys are so fond of women, and it is impossible for him to be a Capricorn guy because Capricorn guys are stubborn because of their limited thinking.
Aries, Leo and Sagittarius persons are nervous, and this guy is quiet. Libra and Gemini guys are extrovert, not introvert like him. I am about to be mad, what is his sign for heaven’s sake?
Maybe no one knows anything about a girl like me who is a Scorpio, and maybe I would have never written these things about myself to anyone, but now I am in love and my love story is not normal like yours.
My story is full of reactions, changes and contradictory ideas. I am really far from psychological balance and logical thinking and when love makes me crazy, I become a dangerous and harmful creature even for myself.
You should know that scorpion is a very weak and sensitive creature, but it is armed with a sting that has deadly poison that has no mercy for anyone.
If a scorpion is upset or if it feels that there is a danger, this sting is its only weapon and it has no other choice to run away, negotiate or wrestling with someone with its arms.
It has no solution except using the poisonous sting in any conflict. That is me, and that is my style in life and for resolving any conflict with anyone even if she is a close friend.
When a scorpion is very upset, scared and cannot defend himself against its enemies, it stings itself so that it will be the one who ends the battle, not its enemy.
This is one of the honorable methods of getting out of the battle without losing dignity for a scorpion.
Committing suicide is one of the methods of showing bravery for a scorpion because all the people are scared of death, and when a scorpion commits suicide, it will be showing its ability to be careless about deal and the pains which accompany it.
The enemy would be scared of the blood and the death and it will surely know that he would have never been able to use the weapon of suicide in the battle.
For me, enduring pains and torture are to show the strength and endurance, and they are not weakness.
Those who think that life is without pain and torture are fools. I am not a fool like them and I taught myself to endure pain and torture since I was young as I have realized that life will never be all full of happiness, pleasure and bliss.
So, I did not want to feel helpless and fail when I have pains and torture in life.
I have thought for a long time about an honorable method that does not arise any suspicions to approach Jamal and become his friend at college.
After a month, I found a way to reach him. My evil cleverness is useless except for serving my ends which would make my family kill me if they had known about them.
He had a friend whose character was fairly strong and this friend had a clever, sweet and smiling female friend.
I was jealous of her smile because for me it means that she had reached the guy whom she wanted. Within half an hour, I could befriend her, sat with her
and then Jamal’s friend came and sat with us. After five minutes, Jamal came, he greeted his friend and the girl then sat while he was looking at me with astonishment and avoided my eyes with a slight greeting.
I pretended that I was uninterested in order not to cause any embarrassment for him because he was so shy. We attended the lecture while I was unable to understand anything and wrote as if I were hypnotized.
After the lecture had finished, we talked for a while, on the next day, we did the same thing and after nearly a week,
I started to sit with him during the lectures while the eyes of the other college’s guys were about to kill him out of envy and jealousy.
I asked him about his life, ideas and problems. It was something funny to know that he respected Nero who has burnt Rome, and Hitler who had humiliated the world for six years,
and Napoleon who had exhausted Europe. All his political ideas were poisoned. He knew nothing about Arabs and their history
and he could hardly distinguish between the historical ages of the Arab history which are the pre-Islamic age (The Age of Ignorance), the Rashedi Age, the Omayad Age, the Abassyed Age, the Ages of Declination and the Modern age.
He knew the anniversary of the Russian Revolution and Stalin’s death’s day, but he forgot his own birthday! He was a shy guy who adored politics!
The only problem which he had was his inability to listen to the news bulletins from London or Monte Carlo during the lectures time.
For him, woman was a creature whose emotions and character should be respected and whose rights should not be reduced.
It is impossible for us to understand each other because he was an Aquarian guy. His sign was airy and mine aquatic, so there was no harmony between us.
That was not important because if he could not control the relationship with me, I would control him completely since I am a Scorpio.
The funny thing about him was that he was weak in everything except in politics and the silly stubbornness which hid his weakness behind it. That is not important because I would control him.
I taught him to accept sitting with me without his friend or without being shy or afraid of me. He became kind with me and once he gave me a pen as a gift for my birthday.
This pen caused a problem for me with my sister because when she saw it, she took it and wrote with it before me without any intention to provoke me.
I became mad immediately and snatched the pen form her hand so its cap was broken. I quarreled with my sister, and she apologized to me and cried.
I am mad; my sister is young and she did not know that this pen was form the one who owns her sister’s heart and pride.
I regretted because I annoyed my sister, and I still remember her words when she was apologising to me while she was crying
“Mona, don’t be upset, I am sorry; I will buy another one for you; I am sorry; the pen was nice and I liked it; forgive me”.
My sister is a good-hearted Virgo; it is the most good-hearted sign, and I am the worst and the most selfish sign.
The pen was given to me from him, and she would not have stolen it, but she has stolen something of my own for a few seconds, so I killed her with my poisonous words.
I am a Scorpio; Forgive me dear sister because your mother should have cut my poisonous sting, which is my tongue, as soon as I was born. Now, it is too late to cut it and I have to sting everyone who approaches me.
The most important thing is that I became his special friend in the collage. I started know everything about him, and he has never interfered in my private affairs at all.
I started to tell him everything about my life and character, and I have never told him anything about the zodiacs lest he knew something about my poisonous sting which I hide behind my Scorpio’s smile,
but after a while, a new problem arouse in my way; I started to be jealous of the friend who helped me to be introduced to him.
She used to sit with us with two other friends in the lecture, and a new war began between us in which I never saved my poisonous sting and used it to sting them seven times in their dignities, and three times in their pride.
Most f my speech had the form of joking. Joking for me is what protects my character, pride and dignity. I won immediately without loses because I had nuclear weapons which made me superior to them.
It was enough for me not to care about their feelings and dignity before people. I have insulted them with jokes and embarrassed them by making them shy and they started to run away from me as soon as they saw me.
. The field was empty for the bloody, evil Scorpio to make the evil love which is full of sins and hostilities, but where was that lover?
Jamal did not want to love any girl because he considered himself young for marriage. He said that maybe later, after three or four more years, he would look for love.
Jamal is crazy; who said I wanted to marry him? I would have waited one thousand years if he had said to me “I love you”,
but he just used the polite words of admiration with me. What would a Scorpio girl do in this case?
She would start stinging anyone around her even if he was the one whom she loved, or even herself, if she could not reach him because she would be too nervous and upset.
The relationship became full of tension between us and I could not see him a lot because he began to avoid me completely.
The final exam month started and I did not want to succeed because I was in a very bad condition.
I started to sting my good-hearted sister, my jubilant mother, my peaceful brother, my little brother and my father who became worried because he thought that I was afraid of the final exam.
I did that because I could not see him quite often. In the end, I began to sting myself because I was the one who started the war and the attack against Jamal.
. I began to blame myself for my selfish idiot actions with him. The summer holiday started, I would not be able to see Jamal for three months,
and I would wage a war with anyone, and set fire to anything because I have become like a fireball which would not be extinguished except by Jamal.
The summer was as heavy as mountains on my chest while it was passing. I was counting the days, the hours and minutes.
My nights were all full of crying, anxiety and torture. I had several illnesses in the intestines and the stomach because of bad nutrition and psychological disorders,
and I also had headaches, back pain and disturbances in the menstruation; all these illnesses were because of the bad psychological condition.
There are many things that annoy me in this life, but I also find love and its severe pains tough on me in it.
I have endured love and the problems with Jamal because I had a nice feeling when I saw him or when I was close to him.
Love was giving me a nice feeling of numbness, quietness, hope and the pleasure of hiding my feelings or showing them sometimes.
But, when Jamal became away from my sight for a long time in summer, I lost that pleasure and started to feel bored and upset.
Though I had considered him a person who is less than normal regarding the character, cleverness and knowledge, suddenly, I discovered that he had a great influence on me.
How could he, or how did I let him, occupy all that space of my thinking and attention so that he became so important like that to me?
I was the one who was thinking too much about him and wished that he loved me and knew that I loved him.
This love which is planted in my heart was created by me because Jamal has never done anything to make it grow and flourish in my heart. Why did I do that and let myself fall in this torture?
Maybe I did so because I did not expect him to be careless about me and my feelings and not to love me.
I thought, out of my pride and conceit that he would love and that our love story would be beautiful. I did not know that he would leave me and be away from me all this period.
I blame myself and my fate which let me fall in his love, and there is no salvation except waiting to see him again hoping that the situation between us would be better.
During summer, all my family and relatives noticed how bad my psychological condition was and my illness, and my father and mother were cursing the university because it was the cause of my anxiety and crying.
I had an illness in every part of my body except my tongue. It was my poisonous sting which brought poison to me from everywhere in the world, even form hell.
I became worse than mad people because sometimes I was aware that I was mad, and in some other times I realised that I had the wisest brain on earth.
It was my fault. I did not know how to see Jamal and I had to wait till the new year started. I decided to kneel before him when I see him to apologize to him before everybody.
I would kiss his hands and cry before him to ask for forgiveness because I cannot love without a poisonous sting which would torture all the people, and I am the first and the last one of them.
I would say to him: “I love you, so forgive me because I am Eve who has sent Adam out of paradise because of her selfishness and envy.”
In the name of love, Eve has committed the first sin and entailed woes and wars upon her. The crimes which are committed in the name of love are the most horrible and dangerous ones.
The law may protect a husband if he kills his wife, or a father if he kills his daughter for honor, but no one knows any thing about the criminal’s psychological torture later.
Once, I read a French story about a criminal who killed his beloved because she deserted him. He said in that story: “I don’t know why I killed her. Maybe because I am selfish, but my selfishness died with her.
Did I do it because I liked to dominate her? But I lost her, and her spirit now is in somewhere I do not know, and I can’t dominate her. I lost her and I lost my selfishness. Maybe I killed her for my personal dignity,
but after I lost her, I needed her again and regretted more. As long as I regret, I no longer hold the idea of dignity because I admit that I committed a mistake. I am a criminal even if they kill me, so I will kill myself”.
In fact, I have learnt a lot from this great criminal; he was Scorpio, no doubt about that. After long severe suffering, pains, wars and many stings from my poisonous sting,
in September, the study at college started, and I went there to make it again the field of love and war for the Scorpio.
Where was Jamal? Where was the tortured lover? I met his friend and asked him about Jamal, and the killing shock for me came when he said:
“Jamal has left the college and went in a scholarship to Russia to study politics”. I lost my conscience for nearly half a minute and they took me home soon.
After that, the fits of madness, torture and writing my diaries started in addition to crying at night, self-torturing, losing conscience, visiting doctors,
taking many tranquilizers and suffering the social pains as a result of not accepting living with others with others.
I remember that I used to speak to myself at night and to address Jamal while I was crying in my bed saying: “Jamal, you are the sweetest and the most wretched man; how could you travel and forget me? What is politics?
How can you become a politician while you don’t know yourself, you are shy, ignorant about woman and you don’t like the stings of the Scorpio sweethearts? I will kill you, Jamal, when you come back after five years.
I will kill you when you come back even if I have to wait for you all my life;...oh, no,... I will go to you in Russia to kill you there.
Your cold blood will freeze the rocks and the land in Russia on the innocent white snow. I will kill any woman you love or speak to.
I don’t love you now because you have wounded my dignity and pride. There will be no forgiveness, no truce, no retreat nor surrender till I achieve victory, or kill you violently.
I don’t want to kill coldly as you did to me with your cold emotions towards me. I want hot killing, bullets, bleeding and scandals.
Then, I will kill myself to kill you even in hell one million times. Forgive me, my beloved, forgive the Scorpio to start a new war“.
Out of my strong madness, I tried to go to Moscow. My father did not agree because of my psychological condition, and because none of my brothers could go with me as a companion as they were busy studying and working.
I have bought four maps of Russia, and then I tore and burnt them while I was crying.
I wished I had a pistol to shoot at the map. I have torn it with the knife while I was crying .None of my relatives knows the story.
They do not even know the story of my fondness of maps and tearing Russia’s location in them. I have bought four books about the Russian history and geography, and photos with many things concerning Russia.
I even used to listen to the Arabic broadcast of the Russian radio station. Venom is like this for Scorpio. It is fire, just fire and nothing else but fire. Even if she burns herself.
Nero might have been a Scorpio. He might have humiliated the entire world with his might and power, then he humiliated Rome, and when Rome has become weak before him, he set fire to it with contempt and an ill dignity.
Poor Nero, he loved to be proud and to humiliate his dearest body even if he or she was Rome, his steel capital because he was harder than steel.
I have started to respect him for his cruelty and might. Cruelty is so important to me because it protects me form my torture, sorrow and regret.
Cruelty hides my weakness, pain and torture. My humiliation and shame are enough for me when I realize that I am weak, harmful, conceited and immoral.
No one should know about my weakness lest I be hurt by him, or I would be harmful with him.
For this reason, people should be away from me, all of them, and I should not even think of God lest I feel my sin, or sins, before Him.
I should at least settle my account with Jamal, and then I will repent to Him and become one of the best pious women.
I, the one whom they say that I am a conceited, selfish beautiful girl, am the weakest creature on earth. Get away of me lest you hurt me, or I hurt you, whoever you are people.
At least go away of me till I kill Jamal, and then I will have time for you and your war if I like to stay among you. Do not be afraid of me;
I do not want to hurt you now, but do not ask me about the cause of my dignity, sorrow, anger, nervousness and refusal of marriage though I have reached the age of marriage.
The most important thing is that I have planned for my crime so quickly, I could get Jamal’s address from his friend, and I sent a kind letter to him apologizing for what I have done to him.
I begged him to write to me with my good wishes for him. I asked him to tell me about the date of his arrival to his home country to know every thing about him.
I asked him about the exact date, and he replied in his letter by saying that he was happy because I wrote to him, and he would come after nearly a year, nearly in July.
Jamal is mad. He has written to me the time of his killing in his letter. I am ready to kill him as soon as I see him in the airport.
I will keep writing to him to know the exact time of his arrival and I will kill him in the airport. But, who knows, maybe I will collapse before him as soon as I see his eyes laughing to me.
Who knows what would happen? I, myself, do not know what would happen because I do not know what will happen to myself when I see Jamal, or when Jamal is away from my sight,
and I do not have confidence in myself, my opinions or even in my mind. I do not know who will help me to execute what I want and rest.
Maybe He is God, or the devil; that is not important because as long as there is somebody to help the Scorpio to keep her false dignity and to execute what she wants,
she will achieve her aims, she will kill or torture, or she will love anyone she wants, even if she tortures herself.
I have to kill him and torture him otherwise I would kill myself. If I kill him, I will relax because I will have vengeance for my pains and torture, but I would lose him forever.
There will be another torture and maybe a painful compunction for me. If I kill myself, I will get rid of all this torture and illness, and maybe will let him get rid of me.
You may think that it is better to kill myself because Jamal is innocent and I was the one who caused all this problem. But, you are wrong because you are only thinking of achieving justice.
For me, you justice will increase my torture and will not relief me. I am the source of evil, and I have to kill myself to end the evil.
But, believe me, I did not know when I loved him that a beautiful love that I had would cause all these pains and torture for me and for others.
Have you expected that to happen? Neither you nor I expected that in the beginning of the story. So, the judgement would be difficult, but I will kill him for one reason that you should know if you understood the Scorpio’s character.
I would kill him though he does not deserve to be killed, but because I am a Scorpio who has venom in me, and this venom tortures me till I insert it inside a body to get rid of it.
Having done that, I will kill myself to relax. This is my method of achieving justice and ending my battles and pains.
I am not the one who killed him; it is the venom which is inside me. It is the evil which is planted within me since I was born.
If you feel that you have venom like me, then you are also Scorpios, like me. So, beware of falling in love.